Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast

00:07 Hi Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Love the show and I think I'm your youngest listener at 13. I'm a first-time writer and I'm just wondering why you call the show's listeners readers. 00:15 First-time writer at 13. That's Broken Britain. 00:19 Why would we call them readers? 00:20 Why do we call them readers? Surely they'll listen to, not read the show. Hope you can tell me why. Youth Offender number 946. That's good. 00:28 Excellent. I love a Youth Offender. 00:29 Yeah, Youth Offender's a good touch. 00:31 You see, it takes the voice of youth to go to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? Because you just thought, well, hold on, we don't read, we listen. 00:39 It's a she, actually, I think. Is it? Sorry. It's all right. It wasn't explained. What's her name? Niamh. It's in the email address. Oh, yeah. She's actually just put youth offended. 00:46 Oh, I like Niamh. It's all a bit bewitched, isn't it? 00:49 No, but he's probably... He wouldn't have his own email at 13. It's probably his mom's team. They'd have their own email. They're probably... 00:55 They have their own email when they're, like, seven or something. 00:58 Yeah. 00:58 Shut up! 01:00 LAUGHTER 01:01 No way. No way. 01:05 Well, yeah, you know, it's a very good question, though. How did that start, the readers' thing? I think it started as a slip, didn't it, on my part. Oh, man. And I think it's because our listeners, if I'm going to use the word for a bit... Just come across generally, and bear in mind that I have Alan and Emily reading the text to me, so I don't see all the ones that say, I hate you. We filter out the protests, the dirty protests. You see them, but I'm fine with that. 01:33 And so I think that they are... Kim Jong-un approach. 01:38 Our listeners seem so bright and funny and witty, I sort of think of them as readers, you know what I mean? That's right, yeah. Bookish and clever. Yeah. Rather than... 01:48 than just sitting there and soaking it up the pendulum swings on that doesn't it from them being people in black jeans and converse trainers and tour t-shirts to then them being readers well but you see i think a lot of people in uh in converse and black jeans and t-shirts are actually quite sharp bright characters people look at them and think oh beer belly fall 02:10 Do you know what? I'm really glad you said that, because that's all our listenership. 02:13 Beer belly fool is the dessert that I made this week. 02:16 Oh, really? Not really. It sounds all right, because it's a bit like that. What's that food? Bouillabaisse. Is that what it is? Bouillabaisse. Bouillabaisse. That's French for beer belly. 02:27 It's not. It is. Does that make good radio? I'm not sure. 02:31 Oh, no, let's hear about you writing the Reader's Digest. 02:34 That makes great radio. Anyway, so can I say, Niamh, if that is you, that, yes, it came accidentally, but like Sigmund Freud would say, it was probably because in my heart I felt read rather than listened to. 02:50 Mm-hmm. 02:52 Next. Yes, Reader's Digest you wrote for. 02:55 Yeah, let's hear about your Reader's Digest columns, Al. 02:57 Hey, we're all here amongst us. In the bar too high, isn't it? Writers, yeah. Yeah, I just used to write a little... Oh, was it called? I don't even know what it was called. 03:07 Was it a northerness view? 03:09 No, that would have been good, though. 03:11 Maybe I should suggest that to them and see if they rehire me. Bargain tips? Yeah. 03:17 That's another one. 03:18 Oh, I bet it was called Pennywise. 03:20 That's good, yeah. It was so called Pennywise. He's actually used the name Pennywise as a pen name. Oh, that'd be good. My wonder plume should be Pennywise. 03:29 It has things like Light a Match, where you go to the bathroom to save on air freshener, Frank. 03:34 Yeah. 03:36 It's a fine line. And lighting. What a way to go. That all went up. Yeah, and my mum used to read a magazine called The People's Friend, which sounds like something that Stalin would have done. And there was an article there. Everything was written by women except one article, which was by The Man Who Knows. LAUGHTER I hated the man who knows. 03:59 It was a little short column just about, like, funny stuff, things that I've thought. You're a humorist. Something like that, yeah, I suppose you could say. I'm trying to think of what it was called now. 04:11 Was it Brandrethian? 04:13 Yeah, very similar. Was it the Cockerel Crows? I don't think I was known as the Cockerel at that point. 04:18 When would this have been? A couple of years ago, I'm guessing. I'm surprised you never mentioned it before. 04:24 I have some news in. 04:25 Go on. 04:26 You don't have any news, do you? It's not quite a hold in my hand, this piece of paper, but nugget... 04:32 I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler. 04:36 I did, but that's none of your business. Okay. Nugget has tweeted us. He's tetchy, isn't he? Guess what? Go on. Cocker Leaky's column was called Alan's Wallet. No, it wasn't. That was Nugget's joke, not mine. Okay. It was called Little Epiphanies. 04:51 Am I correct, Nugget says? That's right, yeah. Well done, Nugget. 04:54 Little Epiphanies. 04:56 I mean, a column entitled Little Epiphanies is still available, should there be any publishers listening? 05:02 How long were you in the digest? 05:04 I don't know, I think about a year, a year and a half. 05:07 I've decided I'm going to start reading it again. 05:09 I'm going to subscribe today. 05:10 I'm not in it now, so... No, that's why I'm going to start reading it again. Ouch! 05:20 Do you like my penitentiary chic shirt today? 05:22 I do. I like it when you dress a little bit like you're pretending to be a boy so that you can get through a Shakespeare play without anyone finding out you're actually a princess. Because we found out you were a princess many, many years ago. No, I do. But you always look so well turned out. Thank you. I've had a... 05:41 We had the boiler went this week. Oh, I hate it when that happens. I mean, we had a big argument and she just... Oh, 1973? Exactly. 05:53 How nice to see you again. 05:55 And I said to my mother-in-law... 05:57 can i smell your feet anyway we'll leave it there and um she uses smoke alarm timer that's one of my favorites it was uh it was awful because why well because we had no hot water and no heating in the house and um i know there'll be many people that are listening to this and saying yeah what's your point but i mean we generally do have that And I had a big sort of photo shoot type day. And I thought, well, I'm going to have to have a wash. Well, we can all relate to that. 06:29 Yeah. Did you have to put the kettle on and have a wash? Well, I did. I thought, I'm going to have a cold shower. I can do it for one morning. Oh, yeah. 06:36 You didn't do a prison wash, did you? 06:38 It was... So I put the shower on. Yeah. And I was... Picture this. I was naked. I opened the shower door. 06:45 Did you have to say that? 06:46 I did. Yeah. 06:48 I opened the shower door. I can't guess that if you're having a shower. I don't think you're in there in a bathing suit. 06:53 I can't get it out of my head. 06:55 And I stood. I stood. I still can't get it out of my head. I stood at the gate of the year. I stood at the door of the shower. And it was like, you know those men who jump from the rocks in Acapulco? 07:09 LAUGHTER 07:10 That moment when they must think, I can't do this. And then they jump. I thought, I just can't. I can't get into this show. And I didn't. I just couldn't. I just couldn't. I was too... I couldn't do it. 07:24 I love this story about you not getting into a shower. 07:27 They usually do jump off those rocks at Acapulco, which I think is more scary. What they say that they do, apparently their technique, is they imagine their sort of spiritual self getting outside of their body, going behind and then pushing them. Oh, is that right? I tried that. I couldn't get in the shower. 07:43 Your spiritual body couldn't push a real body. 07:45 To be honest, there isn't much room in that bathroom for the spiritual body to get out. He didn't quite get out. He just sort of shuffled backwards a bit. So he was still partly... Not enough purchase. Yeah. I just, honestly... 07:57 So what did you do then? Did you do prison wash at the sink? 08:00 I did... Well, I had to wash because I was being photographed by the Sunday mirror. It was quite a big thing. I had to change outfits and stuff so they would have, you know... You need to look box fresh for that. 08:10 Well, exactly. We've had a text, Frank, from 411, saying, Feeling your plight, Frank, I've had no hot water since November the 30th. Brrr, cold showers, not funny. I just like the fact that it's got brrr in there. 08:23 Yeah, but that's a long time, isn't it? 08:24 It is a long time, and I like the mystery in there. Like, why? He's not telling us. 08:28 Or she. Yeah. 08:30 But he might be homeless, and he might just be that real rainy spell we had in. He might be just talking about that. 08:35 LAUGHTER 08:38 Oh, I don't know. I don't know. You've coped. What did you do? Baby wipes, let me guess. No, no. Dry shampoo. 08:45 What I did was I boiled a kettle and then I boiled another kettle and then I boiled another kettle. I got over the sink and I did myself. 08:54 An injury. One piece at a time. 08:57 oh i don't want to know anymore it took ages but yeah i did myself in sections you've said too much and you know it's a bit like the fourth bridge by the time you've washed your hair to start your feet again is it working now the heating it is when i when i got back a man had been in i bet that was very well turned out today doesn't he looks clean as a whistle there you go something But it's good to have these things now and again, I think, because I had a hot shower this morning and I thought to myself, this truly is a wondrous thing. 09:30 And marvellous that the water can be heated in this way by electrical equipment. I never think that much more. 09:36 Metal bird in the sky. 09:37 Exactly. 09:39 I'll be thinking that again later. I always have it when I watch cricket on the telly. I will say to my girlfriend, I'll say, can you believe these people are actually playing cricket now in a different country? As it's actually happening, we're watching it. That bloke is there now. He's doing that. We can see him. In colour! 09:59 Can I ask you a question, Frank? Do you book phone calls to Australia four days ahead? 10:04 I never phone anyone in Australia. I thought it was one of my catchphrases was, it's amazing what they can do now. 10:12 I can go through all sorts of things, but when the cricket comes on the telly live, I am beside myself, as my spiritual body would say. 10:22 When it was going to push me. 10:23 When there was enough room for him. The thing that blows my mind is there's, you know, some hotels have mirrors that don't steam up. They've put a thing behind the actual... Is that right, Al? You know, you have a shower and you get out and you expect a mirror to be steamed up. I was in a hotel the other day and it just had a big circle where my face would be, totally non-steamy, and I just think... 10:42 how do they do that? That's amazing! 10:43 That's incredible. Amazing what they can do now, innit? Well, do you think that's fastling on the glass? 10:48 I don't know. Who's been in that hotel room before you? 10:50 Maybe that's what it was, yeah. Oh, dear. But I'd miss that. I miss that bit when you sort of scrape a bit out. You know, I missed. Yeah, when you scrape a bit out so you can see your face. Yeah. Oh, it's lovely. It's like the opening to some sort of crazy 80s pop video. 11:07 France comes with your base. 11:09 France comes with your base. 11:12 Anyway, look, I went to Hayes last weekend after the show. 11:20 Oh. 11:21 Which is an area of... It's not an area of London, is it? 11:24 Does it qualify? I'm not the right person, darling, for outside London information. 11:28 It was a nice day. It was a nice day. Did you make Hayes while the sun shines? 11:32 I walked into... 11:36 Now, what happened was that there's a company called Autographia, and they stage sort of autograph and photo sessions. How do they? So they take over a hotel, kind of, and have lots of famous people in. And they sort of, you know, people queue up to have the photo took and pay and stuff. Anyway, I'd been tipped off that Boz Aldrin, the second man on the moon... 12:01 was going to be there. And as you may know, my son is named after Boz Aldrin. He's called Boz. 12:12 You see, I didn't try and mess about with it. I just did that. 12:18 Real name? Of Boz Aldrin? Edwin. 12:22 Oh, lovely. Lovely. 12:23 yes um although it was a nickname for him it's the proper name for my son uh and in fact um well anyway i so i i got a photograph of um well me i i had to hold it i had to hold boz because the original boz is 84 and i think he's a great man but i wasn't gonna trust him to hold my son i mean even if he has got some sort of engineering degree still Yeah, exactly. And if he did some terrible injury and you had to spend the rest of your life saying, well, weirdly enough, he was dropped by the man he was named after. 12:54 Punchline would work thin. 12:55 Yeah, exactly. Because, you know, I never know whether Boz at 84 might think that weightlessness is still, you know, you might just let him go for a bit of a laugh. 13:06 Did you tell him he was named after him? 13:08 I did. I said, I named him after you. And he said, he looked at me to say, what's his name? And I said, it's Boz. And he said, double Z. 13:20 And I said, I thought either he's, you know, some odd alternate spellings or he's fallen asleep. And that's him snoring. Snores in a sort of speech bubble kind of a way. And I said, yeah, double Z. And he went, hi, Buzz! And then went straight into the post for the photo. But it was very exciting. And I've got this photo and I'm so pleased and thrilled to have this photo, Big Buzz, Little Buzz. And I showed it to someone and they said... Oh, you should have had, like, a Buzz Lightyear. 13:50 There's only two of them now out in the three. 13:53 Oh, who said that? That man from McFly? I was dragged down. 14:00 I had a good text in from Ian Angle. Is it Angle we decided it was? Yes, Angle. Regular texter often comes up with a funny pun. He does. Here we go. How about that? You wait ages for a buzz and then two turn up at once. 14:13 That's good. 14:16 You see, that's why I can't read this. 14:18 Yeah, exactly. 14:19 The elation on Frank's face at the pun. 14:21 Oh, I love it. So when you went to the hotel full of people that were going to be giving out autographs, was there not a slight danger that people might have thought you were going to be in room 406 signing out autographs? 14:32 I thought about this because everybody there... Is less famous. No, I wouldn't say Buzz Aldrin was less famous. But, for example, there was a whole wall of the girls from Octopussy... 14:47 Is that right? 14:48 And they were signing photos of them. You know Octopussy the Bond film? Oh, yeah. 14:52 Did you get their autographs, then? 14:54 It is at a local club. 14:55 I'm more confused that there's a whole wall of them, rather than, like, you mean, like, sitting at a desk or something? Well, they're at desks. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. 15:02 So they sit under pictures of themselves. 15:04 They haven't got bikinis at desks, have they? They can't abide that. 15:07 They sit under a big poster of themselves, how they looked in Octopussy. 15:11 Oh, that must be nice for them. 15:12 It's very cruel. LAUGHTER Indeed, yeah. 15:15 Love photographs of me aged 16 looking hot. 15:18 But they were £15 for a signed photo of them. 15:26 And I did sign quite a few autographs when I was there, and I did think... 15:31 Were they free? Well, obviously, I'm not going to sign... 15:34 Someone said, can I have your autograph? Yes, that'll be £20, please. I couldn't, you know. 15:38 I mean, if you're in an event... That's like people giving out the free newspapers outside newsagents. It feels like you shouldn't really do it there. 15:46 Well, I didn't... Oh, Alan, save that for your Pennywise column. That's next month. 15:54 Have you had a little epiphany? 15:58 Well, get out. 15:59 Do you know what, Frank? I'm so glad. I do love the name Buzz anyway. Yes. I'm glad you named him after Buzz and not Neil. Because that's a bit boring, isn't it? 16:07 Yeah, exactly. And also, it's setting the bar too high, isn't it? The first man. 16:10 Yeah. 16:11 You don't want to spend the whole life trying to be... So, Buzz has had... 16:16 He's looking quite well, Buzz Aldrin. 16:18 We just saw the photographs, actually. Yeah, he has had a... Deep tan. He's had a facelift. Bang, you can't say that. 16:26 No, I think he owned up to it. He was asked in the paper about it and he said that the G-force, all that G-force had slackened his gels. 16:36 But I think he was joking. I'm pretty confident he was joking. 16:41 But, yeah, so it was really exciting. And it was great. I couldn't help thinking, when I'm 80, am I going to be wearing an England football shirt and sit in photos, signing photos somewhere? 16:55 Next to mini Franks. 16:56 There are worse ways to go, aren't there, I think. 16:59 It was all right. Don't have a facelift, though, Frank. 17:02 Bozzie's autograph, by the way, in case you're wondering, 350 coins. What? 17:07 we've had an email in from richard hatch hi frank how about this for a mind bender then you sitting at home watching the cricket and because of the huge difference in the speed of light and sound you hear the thwack of leather on willow before the people in the stands well it blows my mind anyway rich first time writer medium time reader i love richard if that's right that is even that's 17:33 Wow. Sorry, I'm... That's absolutely stunning. I once... I was at the World Cup, and we were watching... I didn't go to every game, but... So one of the games, we watched an outdoor cafe in South Africa, and there were several other outdoor cafes on the same street, all watching it on big screens, and every big screen was like a slightly different time. So you'd be watching, and you'd think, oh, this is a good attack, you know? Oh, so you knew they'd missed. 18:05 We've had another text in regarding Buzz's autograph prices. Oh, yeah. £877. £350 was his lowest price. A mission inscription was extra. If you wanted his autograph on something that already had Armstrong and Colin's signature, it was nearly £915. 18:23 It's funny how it goes off if it's on with the other two. He obviously knows what they're worth, doesn't he? 18:28 So if you get all three... Well, I was saying earlier, Collins is the worst, let's be honest. 18:34 Oh, what? 18:35 Oh, come on. It was in that stupid little thing. It was like a little sidecar on Wallace and Gromit. It wasn't even a proper car. You couldn't even get on the main one. 18:43 If you believe I called him the designated driver of that. 18:46 No, but it's a bit like having... In the films, the person who's driving the car for the two mobsters, they come running out the bank and he's waiting. He's obviously, he's often quite a nice guy who's been sort of grabbed in. He's just, you know, he's struggling a bit at home and he just needs the money. He's not prepared to go in there with a gun, but he will drive the car. That's how I'm seeing Michael Collins. And also, my son's called Boz Cody Collins, so... Oh, yeah, you are. I should have gone Boz and Neil Collins, and then that would have been an extra 900 quid, the registration time. 19:15 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 19:16 We also had somebody text saying, I saw you at the Autographica show held in Hayes, brackets London Borough of Hillingdon for some reason. 19:24 That's because I wasn't sure where it was. 19:26 Thank you for that. Carrying little Buzz. Spaceman Aldrin changed his name by deed poll to Buzz some years ago. £350 to £1,000 for his autograph must have made it well worth the change and the smile. 19:39 Well, I spoke to... I suppose he thought, I'll save time if I don't have to do those inverted commas around Boz. 19:47 Oh, yeah. 19:48 He's thinking time. 19:50 I once had this conversation. 19:51 Who checks up on you if you don't change your name? 19:53 I was talking to Sarah Cox, and she used to be Sarah with an H. Have I done this before? And then she changed it to Sarah with just S-A-R-A. I don't know, but it might be the 90s. And I said, think of the time you've saved signing autographs. 20:10 by not having to do that H. And I said, if we contacted H from Steps, asked him how long he'd spent signing autographs, we could work out exactly how much time he'd save. Just a piece of mathematics, I thought. What were we talking about? 20:28 I was talking to Bruce Sandless, who was the first man to walk in space on one of those walks where it's machine-driven. You're not on a lead. Oh, they don't count. I hate those ones. 20:39 Oh, no, they're really dangerous, exciting. Oh, are they? Oh, I like them then. 20:41 They're all frightening. But he said that over breakfast or something, Buzz had been saying that he was thinking of changing his name by a deep pole to Buzz Lightyear Aldrin. What? He's covering every possible... 20:55 I bet there was money involved, wasn't there? 20:57 Oh, God, I love him. 20:58 We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing It's a walked-out memory lane I know because people find new things quite frightening 21:29 Conscious uncoupling. 21:31 Oh, yes. 21:32 That was a phrase none of us knew before this week. 21:34 No, I bet Buzz Aldrin's got a bit of conscious uncoupling, hasn't he? All right. You know, when they separate from the mothership. 21:42 I bet you've done a few unconscious couplings. Yeah, exactly. 21:46 How dare you say that to me? 21:47 In the Perno years, not recently. 21:50 And the Perno years are the hardest. 21:55 So they decided to split up. 21:57 Yes, it's Chris Martin and Gwynny Pig, as we like to call her. Do we? 22:02 And they went civilised, didn't they? 22:05 Very. 22:05 I don't like civilised. I like lawsuits. 22:07 Well, you could join the rest of the media who do not like civilised because people have really reacted badly. Putin's had better press than they have this week. I know. He hasn't split up. And Kim Jong-un. 22:18 I'm actually impressed by them. I think it's amazing if you can pull that off. Yes. But I can't, I'm afraid. I'm too bitter. 22:26 people are bitter that they're trying to pull it off. It seems like much of their bad press is about them just trying to be nice, I think. That seems like people really resent that, if you try and act like a grown-up. 22:38 No, I like a bit of the contrast I'm copying and all the niceness. I must say, I wouldn't let any husband of mine who was in a band feed Rihanna. 22:54 You remember when they did the song that feet Rihanna? 22:56 Yes, I do remember the feet Rihanna. 22:58 Once I saw on his list of, you know, where I'm going today, are we going to do China, what's it, China Princess or something? Yeah. Once I saw feet Rihanna, I'd say, I don't think so. 23:08 I love that's become a new euphemism. You'd be like, oh no, I'm beating Rihanna. 23:14 LAUGHTER So, yeah, Sarah Ferguson used to use it, I think. Johnny Bryan, pretty cool. Very good reference, Frank. I wouldn't have let that go, I must say. They said that there's two people playing teacher now. 23:31 Yeah, one student and one teacher. Oh, there was one student, one teacher. Are they both teachers now? I'm not sure. Yeah, that's what they're saying. 23:38 They're taking it in turns to teach each other about themselves. They made a big fuss about them. I think they're homeschooling, basically, is the short answer. 23:45 The Daily Mail laid into them for two people playing teach. It's a commonplace phrase amongst my friends in the S&M community. 23:54 Oh, well, then it's fine. 23:57 Yeah, I don't know why they made such a big fuss about it. 24:01 I do. I just feel sorry for them that what is nice about a breakup, let's be honest, is you do get the license to be quite horrible about someone just for a couple of months. It's like about a 90 day period, I think, isn't it? The hatred bender. And I think that's OK. 24:15 I think it's good. They probably are being horrible, though, behind the scenes. 24:19 They're keeping quite dignified in the public eye, though, aren't they? I mean, they've got the kids. They've got Apple and Moses to worry about. Apple will be fine. She's strong, strong inside. 24:28 I like you two. You've got a bit of Phil and Holly on this morning. 24:31 Apple's got a strong core, I think. 24:33 Oh, very good. 24:35 And Moses, I think, is on tablets at the moment. 24:38 You know what? Puns and sympathy. I can't bear this. 24:41 I like Apple and Moses. They're marking off a biblical timeline. Apple, Moses. Sadly, they never got to the New Testament. 25:04 We've arrived. We have. I have moored our boat. 25:08 Shall we start with Liam from Liverpool? 25:11 Well, I like the alliteration. 25:13 I think he might be one of my regulars. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Or Steve, delete as appropriate. Oh, that's cold. 25:20 Yes, isn't it? 25:21 I was just reading BBC News and after reading a story on the friend of the show, Kim Jong-un, I wanted to know the team's thoughts on the new North Korean law requiring all men to get the same haircut as their glorious leader. 25:34 Dear leader, I believe he's called, isn't he? 25:36 That's his most common. He has several, I think. 25:38 Dear leader. 25:39 I think brilliant leader is another one as well. 25:44 Bashful leader. That's one of the ones that they barely use. Bat leader. 25:48 They call him the fat controller. 25:55 Would you be willing to style yourself after the great man? 25:58 What about miserable leader? 26:01 Would I be happy? 26:02 Well... We should explain if people don't know. Well, most people know this story, don't they? He's made haircut rules, hasn't he? 26:09 Yeah. 26:10 So traditionally, I think the pre-existing rules were that there were 18 styles for women, 10 for men. Yeah. 26:19 Do you remember the days when you'd go to a hairdresser's and there'd be a book that you'd look through with pictures of people having, and you'd say, I'll have that, please, and they'd do it for you. There must be an 18-page book in every North Korean hairdresser's, and you'd just pick one of them. I like that. 26:34 And they all look like they're under police investigation. 26:36 I imagine you'd say, I'll have two number 18s, and have you got any prawn crackers? 26:41 LAUGHTER 26:44 But, so, you get done like that. 26:48 Yes, you do get done like that. 26:49 Yes, you do. 26:51 So you're taken off air. 26:53 Let us trim our hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle. Is that what it says? Which is what I believe you said to me. No, it's what you said once. 26:58 That's what he says, yeah. 27:02 One thing I like about communism is the lack of freedom. 27:06 Oh, here we go. 27:07 I like the fact... I don't know about you, but when I go into the hairdressers... Too much choice. And the bloke says, OK, what do you like? I always think, oh, just get on with it. Yeah. And the other week, I went into a hairdresser... Said I, never. 27:24 And I said to the guy, what do I always say? I always say, number three, back and sides, a little bit off the top. That's what my style is. 27:31 Oh, I'd love that. I'd love a style. 27:32 Number three, back and sides. And he said, oh, I think four... 27:37 Oh. 27:38 And I thought, don't ask. We're not bartering on my haircut. 27:43 Oh, right. 27:44 This is what I want. I said, no, no, I want three. What's the difference with four? 27:48 Well, four is slightly longer, so Frank would have to go back again sooner. And I'm the one that's considered thrifty. 27:55 Was that his motivation? Yeah. I like... Pennywise, that's something for your column. 28:00 I reckon Kim Jong-un, I reckon he's two. I reckon two all round. Maybe even one all round. 28:07 He's got the buzz cut. Well, they call it the Chinese smuggler. 28:10 Do they? Yeah, that's what it's called, Frank. If I ever met Kim Jong-un, I wouldn't be able to resist just rubbing my hand against the grain of his hair on the sides just to feel that lovely spiking. 28:18 If I ever met Kim Jong-un, I wouldn't be able to resist full stop. 28:21 LAUGHTER 28:24 I think I can see myself in the compound. 28:26 You know what, I think he looks... 28:29 I think he looks cool. I mean, if you're going to have a haircut... If you're going to have a haircut imposed on you, I'd be happy with that particular one. 28:36 I'd prefer that to Kim Jong-il, because he had the Dallas bouffant. 28:40 That was to make him look taller. 28:41 Oh, was it? 28:42 Yeah. I mean, we should all think ourselves... Considering that Kim Jong-un has got nuclear weapons, we should think ourselves, look, he hasn't imposed this on the whole world. LAUGHTER If I see anyone on a tally or anything who doesn't have this haircut, oh, I'm going to wipe out the planet. 28:57 Where's my clippers? 28:59 I don't know. I mean, I think you would pass muster, Frank. 29:04 Don't you think? Because your hair is regulation. 29:08 Can I just do my Kim Jong-un? Please do. 29:20 Just for anybody that hasn't got a webcam, we all stood throughout that. That's a friend of the show for world leaders. 29:26 Kim Jong-un is a friend of the show. I think he is in a way, isn't he? 29:30 Along with Ross Noble and Britain's Fatest Man. Extraordinary. 29:34 Contributes. 29:35 Yeah, and Peter the Wild. 29:37 Anyway, let's not list all the friends of the show. 29:38 Yeah, but I don't think Alan would pass muster. 29:41 No. Well, we've had a text in saying, what do you do in North Korea if bald? And I, not in North Korea, but in life, I would be delighted by baldness. I hate my own hair. 29:52 Do you know, sorry, I'll continue. 29:54 I think I've had five good hair days in my entire life and they've been completely random. What you need to do is offend someone in the Russian government. Yes. You'd be bald in six weeks. Eat some sushi. 30:07 I like your hair with a bit of length. 30:09 Thanks. 30:11 I went for a haircut recently and tried to do the thing that my wife does of taking a picture along and saying, I want this haircut. And I googled men's short hairstyles and about 400 pictures of Brad Pitt come up. And you think, well, he could have any hairstyle and he looks good. David Beckham and Brad Pitt. That's cruel as well. And then one of a guy with a really funny afro. That was it. That's a lot. 30:33 Also, they shouldn't show Brad Pitt. That's like those octopussy women having to pose under the pictures of their age 22. 30:38 Well, I tried that. I just put in hairstyles. And I got about 5,000 pictures of Harry Styles. LAUGHTER 30:46 That was a spelling thing. I'd love hairstyles. I'd love hairstyles like his. 30:50 You know, I had a haircut when I was on tour once. And I went into the barbers and he said, how do you want it cut? And I looked, there was a poster of me on the wall. 31:02 I saw it like that. And he did it like that. Picture me with it short. But life isn't always like that. No, no. 31:09 Oh, can I just mention, you were asking what do you do if you're bald? 31:12 Yeah. 31:14 In North Korea, this is not a general... No, just in general. 31:17 This is not the texting. 31:19 Very easy. 31:20 Smoke a cigar is the answer to that. No, if you're bald in North Korea, I know the answer to that. Apparently, you're allowed to grow your hair up to seven centimetres long to hide the balding. 31:30 What about if you're completely bald? What about if, like poor old Duncan Goodyear, if he fell out of a train in North Korea? 31:36 Have they got them? What would he have found? They'd have just caught him and took him straight to prison. I imagine so, yeah. 31:44 It doesn't seem fair to me. 31:46 You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. 31:53 I'm not done with KJ yet. 31:56 OK. KJU. 31:57 Yeah, KJU. Well, two things I'd like to point out. One was, one of the quotes which I enjoyed from one of the Koreans was, our leader's haircut is very particular, if you will. Does that sound like a man under pressure at all? 32:13 But the other thing is, we've had a tweet in from Eddie who says, everyone without exception should have to have a bald head and the same selection of wigs, e.g. Monday beehive, Tuesday mullet, etc. What do you think of that? 32:27 I think, would it actually say Monday on it? Like, you know, like children's bibs. 32:32 Like children's puns, yeah. 32:33 No bibs with a Monday. That would be, just everyone has Monday on their head. 32:39 I, what I like, the idea of everyone having their head shaved, I think, has probably got pluses. I mean, that would be the, the lice thing would be wiped out. 32:48 It's a great leveler aesthetically as well. You know where you stand with people, don't you? 32:52 The problem is people who manufacture swimming hats would be furious because their business would be ruined. Yeah. But I don't see why we have to have the same wigs, why we couldn't have a variety of different ones. But everyone with the same hairstyle in one day would look pretty startling. 33:08 A great film, wouldn't it? 33:09 I mean, men and women as well. Oh, I'd love it. So everybody's got it. It's a fabulous arthouse movie. 33:15 But I'd make it, I wouldn't be sure, I'd have to be like Dog the Bounty Hunter or something. 33:19 Dog the Bounty Hunter? 33:19 Is that your hair reference? I want every man, woman and child has to have hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter. 33:24 You know what, if you took a photo of Dog the Bounty Hunter into your hairdresser and said, I want this, that would make me so happy for the following week, I think. 33:33 Does he dye his hair, Dog the Bounty Hunter? 33:35 What do you think, Frank? 33:38 I don't know. 33:39 You do get natural blonde people. 33:42 OK. Liam Gallagher. I like Liam Gallagher hair. It's thick, isn't it? I just basically get jealous of people with thick hair. Martin Freeman. Oh, no. 33:49 Thick. They're hot. They suffer in the summer, though, people with the hot hair. Do they? Hot hair. They get hot hair. That's what my girlfriend... Whenever we watched X Factor in the old day, Cheryl Cole would come on. She'd go, oh, hot hair. And she does look. It looked like she's wearing... You know, have you ever been out running in a woolly hat and thought, I wish I'd worn this, it's too hot? That's what they're like all the time, those people. 34:13 Oh, really? I don't want that then. I'm backtracking. 34:16 Glad you've had me see the hair of my words. 34:18 You don't need to worry. Their hair arrives in a cab separately to them. It's fine. Oh, does it? 34:22 Yes. 34:23 I'm not even going to say allegedly. It just does. 34:27 I've got bubbles on my tea. 34:33 Dear leader, I married him. 34:35 In fact, I don't like these bubbles. 34:37 It's from Jane here. I've got some sad news for you and I. 34:41 It's from Jane Austen, actually. Dear Leader, I married you. No, it's not. It's Dear Leader. That's Jane Austen, isn't it? 34:46 Dear leader I married him, I think, is Jane. Isn't it Jane? Is this today's texting? Maybe you'll write that. 34:51 Is this quote from Jane Austen or Jane Eyre? Let's find out. It's very commercial radio. I'm happy to be proved wrong. I've got some bad news for you and I, actually, Frank. 35:00 Bronte. 35:02 Bronte, which is what Kim Jong-un calls Debbie Harry. 35:08 Can you just say anything, Alan? Is that allowed? Just say anything. 35:12 Here's the bad news for a couple of double-hard, like, macho, alpha male guys like me and Frank Skinner. Yeah. Apparently, there's a new hardest man in the world in town. 35:24 It's a New Zealand doctor who stitched his own leg up after a shark attack. And then... Oh, I love it. I mean, this is the bit, the real... 35:31 I'm sorry to interrupt. Breaking news. Oh, yeah. Frank's right. Am I? Yeah. 35:36 OK. 35:38 He then went to the pub for a beer. He got bitten by a shark. That's my ringtone sorted. 35:44 Frank's right. Me saying Frank's right. 35:48 That'd be good. 35:50 His name's James Grant and he was spearfishing near Kolak Bay in New Zealand when, as he tells it, something leched onto my lig. I'm going to do the voice all the way through because, you know, I did my Australian last week, so this week I think we should do New Zealand. It was... 36:05 Inconceivably, it's even worse this week. 36:07 He then swam to shore and stitched up his leg using a first aid kit. I'd just gotten into the water, killed a fish and something latched onto my leg, Dr Grant told the BBC. That's great. 36:17 I like the order of things. That's the fur chain, isn't it, right there? 36:20 I killed a fish, something latched onto my leg. It's just happening. And then, I thought it might have been one of my diving buddies, turned round, big shark had latched on... What I did was I just put a couple of little stitches in to take it back together. 36:33 I'm finding this absolutely unbearable. 36:35 Absolutely unbearable is the new Australian show. I thought that was all right, wasn't it? 36:40 No, it's not all right. It's awful. 36:42 One of my diving bodies. That's what they have, though. They have diving bodies. You have to go down in pairs. You can't go on your own. I don't have any diving bodies. 36:50 Imagine Frank going diving. 36:53 Something I don't have. If you don't swim, you wouldn't have diving bodies, would you? Oh, shut your face. 36:57 LAUGHTER 36:59 As it says in Isaiah, my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. That's what I feel about this man. 37:06 Are you sure that's not Charlotte Bronte? 37:08 I love this man. 37:11 No, it's... 37:11 I love this man. I like it when he went to the local pub and they gave him a bandage because he was dripping blood on the floor. LAUGHTER 37:18 Yeah, you can't apply that rule. Some pubs in the north will just be full of bandages if they do that. 37:24 Well, I'm essentially testosterone intolerant. But I did something quite similar to this when I was on a walking holiday with my girlfriend. 37:35 Oh, let's hear what this is. 37:36 Stitched herself up and fought off a shark on a walking holiday. 37:38 And then walked into a pub with your leg dripping with blood. 37:42 I think I said something similar. I didn't say exactly the same. All right. So what did you do? Well, I went, we were going on a walking holiday, the coast to coast, in which you walk from the east coast to the west coast. Oh, yeah. Across the Lake District, Yorkshire Dales, et cetera. Beautiful. 38:00 And I thought, well, I won't bother buying any walking boots. I've got those big, chunky boots I used to wear in the 80s, those bright red. Do you remember Art? Do you remember there was a shoe company called Art? No. Used to make big, chunky, metal things. I think I know the sort of thing you mean. Yes, the sort of thing that you'd see people in Camden wearing. 38:20 Like sort of radioactive Doc Martins, I know them. 38:23 Yeah, but with lots of metal on and big chunks. Anyway, so I wore those. Absolutely disgusting. Anyway, so I walked in those and I got very bad blistering. 38:32 And... 38:33 So what I did, and I heard this as an army thing, I sat with Kath that night and I threaded a needle and cotton. 38:43 And what you do is you put the needle through the blister and then you drag the long length of cotton through the blister. 38:50 Or to avoid buying a new pair of boots just FYI. 38:53 As the cotton goes through, it soaks up the liquid. The moisture from in the blister. 38:59 About £29 you can get them from. 39:01 And I was doing it and Kath lay on the floor and I said, what are you doing? She said, well, I've sort of, I've more or less fainted. 39:14 So I'm lying on the floor to avoid the drop. But I mean, I know I'm about to faint. 39:20 Which, of course, you don't believe in. I don't believe in fainting. Even more of a problematic one. I think what she did was essentially fainting, except that she forgot to just lie with her eyes shut and keep quiet. Which is what fainters do. 39:32 What fainters do. Do you remember that song? 39:36 No. 39:36 Okay. 39:37 And, um... And I did that. I drained them like that. I had a lot of them. I drained your own foot blisters. Yeah, a lot of pus-sobed cotton. 39:46 I'll say that. 39:47 Please. What is wrong with you? 39:50 Well, it did work, though. They went down. 39:52 It worked. Yeah, they just went down to that. You know when you find a bit of balloon after a balloon's burst? Yeah. You don't find the balloon. 39:59 Did you find it quite satisfying? Oh. 40:01 I found making a semi-faint. 40:06 I thought it was quite common. 40:08 Not the draining of the blisters bit. 40:09 The draining of the blisters. What I've done is I stopped at a shop actually on the walking holiday and bought some walking boots. When he saw the boots, I was walking in this below. 40:18 What did he say? 40:19 He said... How far have you walked in these? And I said, 87 miles. 40:25 He said, no, but in these. 40:27 I said, 87 miles. He said, you haven't walked 87 miles in these. Have you come 87 miles and then started walking? I said, no, I've walked 87. He was absolutely astonished. And so my advice is, if you go on a walking holiday, take a needle and plenty of cotton. 40:47 We've had some texts in. Frank is right. Needle and cotton is essential when walking. I've used it many times and recommend it, Anna. Frank, I always do that with my blisters. It works from five to six. What a day I've had. Jane Eyre. 41:00 Oh, you're so right today. Frank lied right. I'm going to start quiet myself. 41:06 If I was you, I'd be so happy about things like that, Jane Eyre. I just wake up in the middle of the night smiling about that. 41:11 Yeah, what are you going to wake up in the middle of the night thinking about getting it wrong? 41:16 That's none of your business. That's between me and Dog the Bounty Hunter. 41:19 I had a friend who, a very close friend of mine, called Shane, who was a felt roofer. 41:26 And we went to a party. This was in my heavy drinking days. I dropped him off. We dropped him off at his house. Remember he stood on the lawn and drank a whole bottle of Blue Nun wine. Just... 41:43 That's how they recommend you serve it. On a lawn. I said, off to bed now then. He said, no, I'm working. He said, I've got vans picking me up in an hour and a half. So off we went. And obviously we had a designated driver. Can I make that clear? He only had like three bottles. 42:03 LAUGHTER 42:04 So this was the 70s. We didn't know. Well, we knew, actually. We did know. But anyway, so I went to the pub the following lunchtime and the gaffer said, you haven't got your mate with you, have you? 42:22 I said, no, he's at work. He said he isn't at work. He was in here early. He was in a right mess. 42:27 And he'd fallen off the roof. Oh, no. And we got to this because you were saying about the sharp man had gone into the pub and they said, your legs bleed, and they gave him a bandage. 42:36 um so i went and found my mate he's in the next pub down the road and he had fallen off off the roof and um he'd got they'd taken him to hospital and said we're going to give you a tetanus injection and he didn't he doesn't like injections so he ran away but he was in there he was sitting drinking and his nose was had moved about an inch and half across his face and he had three pieces of gravel stuck in his forehead 43:03 Like some terrible bindi. 43:06 Oh, man, he was a hard man. 43:09 And I find, even if you're not a hard man, blue non, it raises you up. Well, it obviously didn't raise him up, he fell. 43:16 I like the idea that someone could fall off a roof and still be worried about an injection. 43:20 Yeah, exactly. And still got to the pub for 11. 43:27 Ah, yeah, he was a hard man. So, I went for a very lovely meal this week. I was bought, I was given a voucher for a restaurant. Groupon, yeah? 43:42 No, he likes her lunch and vouchers. Remember LVs? 43:45 Ah, yes. Remember that, what was that woman who used to, she was a madame. 43:51 Oh, Cynthia Payne. Cynthia Payne. Yes. I've got my photo with her. 43:55 She was the ambassadress for Lunch and Vouchers. 43:57 She was. Anyway, so at the end of the last series of Room 101, my gift, my end of series gift, which can I say I didn't get one for my radio show. The rest is history this week because it's an Avalon production. I got nothing. 44:13 Nevertheless... Expose the innards, why don't you? 44:16 Yes, but they... Room 101, a hat-trick production, they bought me a meal in a lovely restaurant and a tour of Kew Gardens. Nice. 44:30 That's a lovely gift. 44:31 So we went, and I had pigeon as a starter. Oh, no. And you know what? 44:35 Was it a fixed menu? No, no. Did you have to? 44:37 Were you feeling peckish? It was the best. I did that thing that Kath really hates as well. I sat down and I said, now, can we just establish one thing? I'm not paying for this meal, am I? 44:46 You didn't say that. 44:47 I did say that. Because I can't enjoy a meal if it's supposed to be free. 44:50 I felt absolutely ill. Really? 44:52 I'm just thinking I can write that up into my column. The pigeon was ill. Pennywise. 44:57 Is it a little epiphany? 44:58 No, sorry. 44:59 It's a Pennywise moment, isn't it? I've found a new respect for pigeons. 45:04 Oh, pigeon pie is lovely, Frank. 45:06 Oh, it fell off the bone. 45:08 Oh, it does. It tends to. 45:09 Honestly. 45:10 I prefer it in the pie to in flight. I'm not lying. 45:12 Well, it wasn't actually in a pie. It was just there. 45:16 Pigeon what? Breast? Wing? What did you have? Well, I couldn't tell. 45:19 Pigeon leg? Pigeon meat. I'm eating a lot of grass-fed meat these days, but pigeons, they live off kebabs and bits of cake and litter, don't they? 45:28 Yeah, you do. 45:37 I went into a pub in Islington this week. Islington is an area of North London. Yeah. I don't feel I should name the pub. 45:47 Hmm. Hmm. 45:49 Shall I? No, probably. Probably a Wetherspoon's knowing Mr Pennywise over again. Oh! I was only having a Vimto. 45:57 No, it'll be one of those nice organic pubs, maybe. 45:59 No, I'll tell you what was organic. I walked in there, immediately I walked in there and I thought, what is that smell? Oh, no. And there was a dog in there. 46:11 Were you on your own in this pub? 46:13 No, no, I was with a group of work colleagues. 46:16 Oh. 46:17 And it must have been the management's dog, because otherwise it would have been thrown out. You know when a dog smells to the point where it gets on your chest a bit? 46:27 Oh. 46:27 It was... I'll tell you what it reminded me of. I went to the Tyson Lewis fight in Memphis, and after the fight there was a bit of an altercation in the crowd, and an American policeman released tear gas. Oh, yeah. Which I thought was a bit of an overreaction. But I always thought with tear gas that it just really hurt your eyes. But in fact, because I was quite near, I got a lung full of tears. It really, really hurts your throat and makes you cough. Terrible. And honestly, this dog, I'd say, was worse. 46:59 Really? 46:59 What breed? 47:01 Filthy. 47:03 It was black. 47:05 That's all I can help you with. 47:08 I don't know breeds. It could have been a white dog and it was just that dirty. People say, what car is this? Grey colour. Silver grey. 47:18 So it's a big black dog. And honestly... How can that be allowed? What, the stench? Everyone had huddled at the very far wall away from it and nobody was doing anything. 47:30 It was a very British thing. Like a tube with one of those people on it. 47:34 what did it smell of just dog poisonous acrid cyclone b type vile filth is what it um the guardian that's my review do you know that's ending up on someone's eyes down tonight has that have you thought of that well some poor woman sleeping with that well i imagine if you live with it for a while you just don't smell it that's true But, you know, you're still in. Honestly, it genuinely upset me. It's the worst thing I've ever smelt in my life. 48:06 Including tear gas. 48:09 LAUGHTER 48:14 I'll tell you what I haven't told you about. I went to the Game of Thrones premiere recently. I say Game of Thrones premiere. They actually have a premiere now, just for the episode. Just to show the episode. Really? 48:25 What, one episode? Yeah. So not like a premiere? 48:27 Season four. Frank will hate me seeing season. Season four at one... 48:32 Nice. Industry. 48:33 Industry lingo. Ep. Were you going to suggest that they should show the whole series at the premiere? 48:39 Yeah, why not? Box it. Whoa. 12 hours. Bring your sleeping bag. People just on the red carpet in their jogging bottoms. That'd be good, wouldn't it? No? All right. 48:48 Case our listeners don't know, Game of Thrones is the... I'd say it's the soft porn Merlin. 48:54 Everyone knows Game of Thrones, but are you and your friends in it and you still don't watch it? 48:58 I started watching it. Did you? Because one of my friends, Bozzy's Godfather, plays Lord Varys in it. But I really, really liked it. And I watched about seven episodes, and I thought, this is great. And then something happened, and I missed a couple. And then you think, I'll catch up, and then... And you never did. Suddenly there's five box sets ahead of you, you know what I mean? And it's daunting. It's 2D, isn't it? 49:22 Yeah. 49:22 I'm not thinking that. Actually, I've got... 49:25 I'll wait until I get a voucher. I've got Sky On Demand, so I can get the whole thing free. 49:30 And you know someone who's in it could probably get their agent to send you it. 49:33 So we saw it. It was totes amaze. 49:39 Went to the party afterwards. 49:41 And it was awful because they had a VIP area in the middle of the party. You found that awful? I tell you what I found off, it was a bit Marie Antoinette, it was a bit French Revolution, because it was just a little rope, and everyone was staring at you while you drank the champagne, and they had the warm wine. 49:56 What, so you were sort of adjacent to the people in the non-VR people? 49:59 No, not adjacent, like a boxing ring, like in the centre, so people could look at you, it was awful. 50:03 What about when I went to Stringfellows with Jonathan Ross? You know we're on air, you know we're on air for this story, don't you? We had our partners with us. Okay. So we had our partners and there was me, David Baddiel, Mark Lamar, I think, Jonathan Ross. Anyway, we turned up... Mark Lamar, 1996? It was packed. 50:22 And Peter Stringfellow just went over to this full table of people and says, come on, move, you're going to have to move, you're going to have to move. And they all got off the table and he sat us down and he put a velvet rope thing around the table. 50:33 Did he? 50:37 It's awful. I loved it. It's awful, but you're right. I did love it. I did. 50:40 Anyway, I got chatting. I love not having to stand. Yeah, obviously. 50:44 I got chatting to one of the actors from the show. Lovely chap, John. 50:49 He plays Samwell, just if anyone's a fan out there. 50:52 Samwell District Council. Is that his name? 50:55 He's a very good actor, actually, but I was talking to him. Turns out he's a massive fan of the show. He listens to the show all the time. He's a fan of yours, Frank. He was chatting you up. No, he was early. He was lovely. 51:06 But he said at one point, he said, oh, well, he said, Frank doesn't like Game of Thrones. He likes Merlin, doesn't he? I have never been so embarrassed. Merlin being discussed. 51:16 I don't think it's an either or. It shouldn't be either or, should it? I am glad he brought up Merlin. 51:20 So there I am in the VIP area talking to my new friend from Game of Thrones. 51:24 In the VIP boxing ring. Yes. In the middle of the room. 51:28 And the VIP cage, I'm calling it. And then a man comes over to start to talk to him. 51:32 Can I say, to put this in perspective, I met Daniel O'Donnell on Thursday night. 51:38 Now I name drop in. 51:41 That's the best name drop you've ever done. 51:43 I was happy. 51:46 Yeah, so he starts talking. We're talking. And then this other man comes over who's some producer man. And you know when you get frozen out entirely of the conversation? I felt like a spare part. I was like a spare carer standing there. 51:57 It's very showbiz though. 51:58 I was just, I was gone. That was it. I was out. So I was angry with the producer man. Yeah. And he was talking, saying, you're coming on the show next week. So I was just in the middle of it. I don't know why I did this rank. I said, he said, oh, this is Emily, John said. He said, and I said, yeah, I'm his agent. 52:12 Why did I say that? 52:13 Why did I say that, Frank? 52:17 I felt sick thinking about it. There was silence, no laughter, no laughter at all. The producer man went, oh, great, well, it's really good to meet you, because I wanted to talk to you about a couple of appearances we're doing. 52:28 Actually, I know his age. 52:30 No, he carried on talking, and I said, actually, I just lied. It was awful. 52:34 And then my new friend from Game of Thrones said, yeah, it was actually very funny, Emily, but the trouble is that timing's everything, isn't it? Ooh. Oh. It was terrible. I'm going to leave the material to you two now. 52:48 What you should have done is carried on and hammered out a really good deal for that. Oh, yeah, for John. And then maybe you'd be married by now. 52:57 you'd be his agent like joe bugner's wife used to be his manager remember joe bugner's wife she'd have slotted into uh dr monty yeah like sharon osborne i could be like that you could yeah anyway so i humiliated myself terribly it was worse than liking merlin It's good, though. It's a good light. What about this? My girlfriend had got a really horrible cold. 53:20 Really, it was... It might have been worse than a cold. We were a bit worried it was something else. And she was just going out or going to bed early, because she felt... And she came over to give me a sort of kiss goodnight. And as she came, she went... Right into my mouth. I mean, right. I felt it hit the back of my tonsils. And I said, that's probably the most efficient passing on of bacteria you could do, is to cough in someone's mouth. And she said, no, don't be ridiculous. Next morning I woke up, I felt absolutely terrible. 53:53 So if you're wondering how to pass on your bacteria to loved ones, that is the answer. 53:58 We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing. It feels like a backward step final.