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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The Irish Times 620 - The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Published 20 Jul 2026

Duration 06:22

Episodes

620-

The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought

Listened

20 Jul 2026

619-

‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

Listened

26 Jun 2026

618-

‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man

Listened

20 Jun 2026

617-

‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’

Listened

12 Jun 2026

616-

We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind

Listened

05 Jun 2026

615-

‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’

Listened

29 May 2026

614-

‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’

Listened

22 May 2026

613-

‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’

Listened

15 May 2026

612-

‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’

Listened

08 May 2026

611-

I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?

Listened

01 May 2026

610-

‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word

Listened

24 Apr 2026

609-

‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

Listened

17 Apr 2026

608-

‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’

Listened

10 Apr 2026

607-

We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’

Listened

03 Apr 2026

606-

‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it

Listened

27 Mar 2026

605-

‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’

Listened

20 Mar 2026

604-

‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’

Listened

13 Mar 2026

603-

‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’

Listened

06 Mar 2026

602-

‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’

Listened

27 Feb 2026

601-

‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’

Listened

20 Feb 2026

600-

The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’

Listened

13 Feb 2026

599-

‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’

Listened

06 Feb 2026

598-

‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’

Listened

30 Jan 2026

597-

‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’

Listened

23 Jan 2026

596-

‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’

Listened

16 Jan 2026

595-

‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’

Listened

09 Jan 2026

594-

‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’

Listened

02 Jan 2026

593-

‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’

Listened

19 Dec 2025

592-

Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct

Listened

12 Dec 2025

591-

The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’

Listened

05 Dec 2025

590-

‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’

Listened

28 Nov 2025

589-

‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’

Listened

21 Nov 2025

588-

‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’

Listened

14 Nov 2025

587-

‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’

Listened

07 Nov 2025

586-

‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

Listened

31 Oct 2025

585-

‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’

Listened

24 Oct 2025

584-

This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob

Listened

21 Oct 2025

583-

‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering

Listened

10 Oct 2025

582-

Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord

Listened

03 Oct 2025

581-

Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’

Listened

26 Sep 2025

580-

‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’

Listened

19 Sep 2025

579-

‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’

Listened

12 Sep 2025

578-

‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’

Listened

05 Sep 2025

577-

‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily

Listened

29 Aug 2025

576-

Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’

Listened

22 Aug 2025

575-

‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes

Listened

15 Aug 2025

574-

‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’

Listened

08 Aug 2025

573-

When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time

Listened

01 Aug 2025

572-

The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews

Listened

25 Jul 2025

571-

I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut

Listened

18 Jul 2025