Hey Gay Boy

In this episode, I talk about the bodies we build and the validation we chase, and why getting the thing you always wanted so often leaves you feeling like a stranger to yourself. We've all got a thing. The abs, the jawline, the perfect picture, the number of likes. We call it a glow-up, taking care of ourselves, finally getting it together. But what happens when you get there, when the compliments roll in and the attention lands, and nothing inside you actually shifts? In this one I dig into why so many of us chase the "ideal" body, and why it's almost never really about the body at all. I talk about the validation loop, the Grindr notifications, the thirst traps, the endless refreshing, and what's really sitting underneath it. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ Follow me on Instagram & TikTok too for even more content If you have a spare 2 minutes, I'd love your support for the bCreator nominations too, you can vote for me here Lastly, if you'd like to support my…

In this episode, I talk about the validation loop - and why no amount of likes, compliments, or achievements will ever fill the hole we've been trying to fill since we were kids. There's a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from spending your whole life being loved for a version of yourself you've carefully constructed. You get the job, the body, maybe even the guy - and still something feels hollow. If you know that feeling, this one's for you. In this episode, I walk through the three stages of the validation loop - the performance, the achievement, and the collapse - and why so many of us in the gay community end up trapped in it. Drawing on Jung's idea of the persona, Alan Downs' work in The Velvet Rage, and some hard-won personal reflection, I explore how growing up feeling like something was fundamentally wrong with us taught us to earn our place in every room we walked into. And I talk about what it actually looks like to start breaking the cycle - not through another glow-up or a busier schedule,…

In this episode, I talk about one of the most useful things I've ever learned in therapy — and why I think it changes everything once you see it. Most of us have been in conflict that just doesn't make sense. The friendship that keeps blowing up. The relationship that runs in circles. The moment you realise you've spent years trying to fix everyone else's problems and somehow ended up feeling like the villain anyway. I walk through a psychological framework called the Drama Triangle - what it is, the three roles we unconsciously slip into, and why it hits differently when you've grown up gay. Because when shame, people-pleasing, and the need to be liked have been baked into you since childhood, these patterns run deep. This one is about understanding the scripts we didn't know we were following - and what it looks like to finally start rewriting them. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ Follow me on Instagram & TikTok too for even more content Want to go deeper? The…

In this episode, I talk about the quiet sacrifices so many of us made just to get through - and why it's never too late to start taking them back. Coming out is sold to us as the finish line. But what nobody talks about is everything you had to quietly give up to reach it. For most gay men, survival hasn't meant dramatic gestures. It's been the micro-adjustments. Softening your voice at work. Laughing off the joke. Saying "they" instead of "he." Curating every corner of your life to stay safe, stay liked, stay just palatable enough. I walk through what that slow erosion actually looks like, why it happens, and what it costs us. Why the build-up of unexpressed shame doesn't disappear with success - it often gets louder. Why rejection still hits like a verdict rather than just a disappointment. And why, when you've shaped yourself around everyone else's comfort for long enough, you start to lose track of what's actually you. This is an honest reflection on survival mode, the compromises we normalise, and what…

In this episode, I talk about the book that helped me stop performing and finally start understanding myself, and why I keep coming back to it. The Velvet Rage is often called the gay bible, and for good reason. Alan Downs puts into words what so many of us have felt but couldn't name. The shame, the rage hiding beneath the smile, the exhausting cycle of chasing validation in love, at work, on social media, and in friendships. I walk through the ideas that hit me hardest. Why so much of our anger is actually shame in disguise. Why rejection feels catastrophic rather than just disappointing. And why being loved for your most polished, performative version of yourself will never be enough. This is an honest reflection on gay shame, authenticity, and what it actually looks like to stop living for the applause and start living for yourself. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ Follow me on Instagram & TikTok too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy…

In this episode, I share seven things that three years of therapy taught me about being gay, growing up, and finally getting to know myself. From chasing validation to people-pleasing my way through discomfort, I unpack why so many of us, especially as queer people, learn to perform rather than just exist. And why that exhaustion is often a sign that something deeper needs attention. I talk about the wounded inner child that still shows up in adult relationships, the gay shame that doesn't disappear when you come out, and why being busy, desirable, or constantly seen is rarely the same as actually feeling okay. This is an honest conversation about therapy, identity, and self-worth. A reminder that getting to know yourself isn't about being broken. It's about finally showing up as you. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ Follow me on Instagram & TikTok too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form,…

In this episode, I explore why rejection hurts far more than we give it credit for, and why for so many of us, especially as queer people, it cuts straight to the bone. From being ghosted to the collapse of a relationship you thought was everything, I unpack why the pain isn't just about losing someone. It's about the younger version of you who never felt chosen, wanted, or safe. Drawing on psychology and neuroscience, I look at why the brain registers rejection like physical pain, how childhood wounds and gay shame show up in our adult relationships, and why brushing it off rarely makes it go away. This is an honest conversation about heartbreak, identity, and self-worth, and a reminder that if it hit hard, it was never just about them. ___ Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ Follow me on Instagram & TikTok too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the…

In this episode, I explore the complicated reality of feeling like an outsider within the gay community, even after coming out. From the unspoken pressure to look, act, and perform a certain way, to the fragility of gay friendships and the loneliness that can exist in the middle of a packed nightclub, I unpack why belonging can feel so elusive. Drawing on psychological frameworks like the Minority Stress Model and the concept of the "wounded child," I examine how early shame, identity-eroding comparison, and validation-seeking behaviours shape our adult relationships and sense of self. This is an honest take on loving a community while also being frankt about the ways it can fall short, and a reminder that you're far from alone in feeling like you don't quite fit in. Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis and TikTok…

In this episode, I'm talking about the quiet, easy-to-miss signs that you're actually further along than you think. Because if you've spent years in survival mode, growth doesn't always feel like power. Sometimes it just feels like going home after one drink because you're tired, or receiving a compliment and saying thank you instead of deflecting it. Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis and TikTok @jameswallis_ If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

gay shame runs deep - and it shows up in more ways than we realise. In this episode, I walk through 11 small, practical acts to help you start loosening shame's grip, stop performing for other people's approval, and reconnect with who you actually are. No big overhauls, no toxic positivity - just honest, doable steps you can try this week. Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis and TikTok @jameswallis_ If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, I'm talking about that weird, nagging feeling where everything in your life looks fine, maybe even good, but you still feel flat. Like something's missing and you can't quite put your finger on it. I explore why happiness can feel so fragile, even when life is going well, and why so many gay men find themselves bracing for something to go wrong right in the middle of a good moment. From anticipatory anxiety to minority stress, I get into the real reasons joy can feel unfamiliar, even unsafe, after a lifetime of hiding, shrinking, and staying on guard. This one is about learning to trust happiness. To stay present in good moments instead of mentally skipping ahead to the worst case scenario. And to slowly, gently teach yourself that joy isn't something to be suspicious of. It's something you're allowed to hold. Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com…

In this episode, I get personal about my own "soft rock bottom" and the unexpected therapy insight that changed everything: your wounded inner child is still calling the shots. I explore why so many gay men are still being shaped by the boy they used to be, why we're so uniquely vulnerable to childhood emotional wounds, and what it actually looks like to start healing. Not by silencing that scared little boy, but by finally showing up for him. This one is about reparenting, emotional sensitivity, and why your reactions aren't a weakness. They're a nervous system doing its best. And it's about how, once you see what's really driving you, you get to change the script. Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis and TikTok @jameswallis_ If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis.…

Welcome to the very first episode of Hey Gay Boy. In this opening episode, I share what it felt like to spend years being the "perfect gay boy" - the overachiever, the people pleaser, the one who worked twice as hard just to feel like he deserved to be there. And what it cost me. This episode is almost like a love letter to any gay man who grew up editing himself, playing it small, and waiting for permission to just be. If you've ever felt the weight of gay shame, struggled with self worth, or spent years performing a version of yourself just to feel accepted, this one is for you. It's honest, personal, and sets the tone for everything that follows....because growing up gay leaves marks that don't disappear the moment you come out. The psychology of it runs deeper than that. And that's exactly what this podcast is here to explore. Whether you're early in your journey of gay identity or years into it and still making sense of things, you're in the right place. If this episode resonates, please leave a rating…

In this episode, we're talking about gay shame - and not in the way you might expect. This isn't about hating yourself for being gay. It's the quieter stuff. Lowering your voice around straight men. Calling your boyfriend "they" in certain conversations. Laughing at a joke that actually stings. We get into where that shame comes from, how it gets passed down through playgrounds and classrooms and silence, and why it's so hard to spot in your adult life - because by the time you're grown, it doesn't look like shame anymore. It looks like perfectionism, or people-pleasing, or always finding a reason to walk away from the good stuff. If any of that sounds familiar, this one's for you. Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis and TikTok @jameswallis_ If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at…

In this episode, we're getting into something that doesn't get talked about enough - the trauma that comes with growing up gay, and why it doesn't just disappear once you're out. This isn't about the coming out story. It's about everything else. The daily conditioning, the messages you absorbed without realising, and the very real psychological toll of spending years navigating a world that wasn't built for you. We get into minority stress, internalised homophobia, and why so many of the ways we learned to survive, the scanning of rooms, the coded language, the constant editing of ourselves, are still quietly running in the background today. Because it's not as simple as getting over it. Links: If you fancy reading you can discover the Hey Gay Boy Substack here: jameswallis0.substack.com Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis or TikTok @jameswallis_ If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis - it really does help! Everything else is at…

Hello and thanks for being here. Welcome to Hey Gay Boy, the official home for reflections on growing up gay. This podcast is for gay men who grew up carrying things they didn't have a name for. The performing, the loneliness, the relationships that made no sense until they suddenly did. Each episode is a short, honest reflection on the psychology of growing up gay, based on years of immersing myself in the topic and of course reflecting on my own lived experience and therapy sessions. I'm endlessly curious about the stuff that shaped us long before we understood it. There are no guests (at least not yet). No panel discussions. Just me, a microphone, and the conversations I wish someone had started sooner. If that sounds like your kind of thing, hit follow so you don't miss the first episode, coming very soon. To make sure you don't miss it, subscribe or follow from wherever you're listening. I hope you enjoy it. My plan is to make sure there is something for everyone here, because of course we didn't all…